xemowhorex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- incredibly long. so a few days ago my work decided that it was more efficient to shut down earlier. transfer the phones and dispatch to a different center at 10:00pm. so they changed every ones hours. all the day shift people (me) are required to be here at 5:45am. i used to come in at 7am. they gave us 3 days notice. or in my case no days notice as i was off for the 3 days prior to the change. so for the last 3 days i've been waking up early and going about my day as i always have. just a little sooner than normal. it didn't seam to be all that big of a deal. i'm having trouble getting to sleep any earlier than i used to but i guess that's to be expected. the first day went without a hitch. second day i was sleepy but i always am any way. hit the snooze button a few too many times and had to take a caffeine pill. but more or less ok. then today same thing with the not sleeping on time and the snooze button. didn't think anything of it. and then i got to work. and everything is pissing me off. i've been sort of going off on co workers who i normally just ignore. little things. stupid things. things that would normally be irritating but not infuriating. we don't have assigned seating. it's first come first choice. except for this horribly aggravating woman who feels entitled and that she is better than the rest of us. she's got the carpel tunnel. years ago her doctor made it a requirement that she have an assigned work station that is ergonomically set up for her and her alone. so the company moved the computer screen 3 inches to the left and called it hers. (other people still sit there when she is off, and on the swing shift). now after she'd been out on disability for over a year and our computers got changed out "her" desk is just the same as all the others. she still insists that she must sit there because it's ergonomically set for her. which is utter bull shit. our office is ghetto. there are about 3 desks when i can sit that i don't have to yell all day to be heard. hers is one of them. the others were taken. she wasn't here so i sat there. 2 minutes after her start time she walks in looks at me and says "well how's this supposed to work?" i say something in an admittedly snarky tone. she walks off to tattle. i get booted out of the seat. this seams like it shouldn't be that big of a deal. but it really was. is. i've been pissed all morning on account of it. i mean really pissed. unreasonably pissed. i need to get to sleep earlier. i've been reading this wls for dummies book. i'm excited and terrified. i'm positive that this is the best choice for me. but i'm still afraid that even with 3/4 of my stomach gone i'll fuck it up. that i'll screw up my last chance. or even worse that i won't even get that last chance. that maybe i won't have the right answers for the shrink and i'll be denied or delayed. that it takes 6 months to a year to get the surgery after being approved for the program and that i've only got a year tops left with aaa before we all get laid off. with the hours that we're open being cut i'm starting to actually fear that we won't make it to 2009 as promised. it seams like cutting the hours of opperation may be the fist step towards closure. that i'll lose my medical coverage before i get the surgery. that if i don't get the surgery in time, that once i get a new job and new medical that i'll have to go through the entire process over again. if i am able to get it before i am laid off i'm afraid about getting the time off work that i'll need for recovery. or more accurately getting the time off paid. if i don't call out or take any vacation next year and if the time i take can counts as medical leave (it seams like it should) then i'll have 5 weeks. which i think should be enough. 2 weeks vacation, 2 weeks sick pay, 1 week additional sick time. i'm afraid of not having anything. i have no friends nothing to occupy myself when i can't eat for comfort. afraid of regret. even if it's just temporary. i'm afraid of the pain. i'm afraid of anestisia. of anticipation, of anxiety. i'm afraid of not having any where to stay after the surgery. i could stay with my mom but the only bed in the house is very tall and i have trouble getting in to it while not in pain. i can't imagine having to do it with my guts sewn up. plus she has 3 large unruly dogs. i have visions of them trampling my stomach. i could stay home but I'd be alone. and i also have two unruly dogs. granted they are much smaller. i was thinking maybe my mom could come stay at my place for a couple days. but i don't know. afraid of loose skin. afraid of not being abel to afford plastic surgery. afraid of looking older. i guess i shouldn't be stressing about this yet. i haven't even gone to the orientation. 7:09 a.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 06, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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