xemowhorex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - i'm seriously fucking lazy. i don't ride the bike to work for dumb reasons. like needing to get gas everyday. how hard is it to get gas? i don't ever wear real shoes any more, because it takes too much effort to find socks as well as put on and tie real shoes. i wear slip on sandals daily. i don't shower daily. my house is a mess and it really wouldnt take much to straighten it up but i don't. my apartment smells like piss because i was to lazy to potty train them properly. i've gotten better about taking them out more frequently but only because i would prefer that my home not reek of urin. i bought tickets to a show at bottom of the hill last month but i didn't go. it didn't seam like ti would be enoguh fun to warrent having to get dressed, get bridge money and go stand for 2 hours or better. this girl at work has invited me to her birthday party this thursday. i'm trying to figure a way to get out of it. the efort it takes to interact with others is more than i'm willing or abel to exert most of the time. i wish i had more firends and more things to do... in theory. in reality i probably don't have mroe friends because i'm lazy. is this depression? is it just that i'm fat and have no energy? both. i did a google search on how to stop being lazy. all it came up with was a bunch of self help type shit. and that just made me feel like screaming. and really i don't know how i was expeting to find anything differant. how does one who has no motivation motivate themselves in to setting and achieving goals? i set goals all the time. its the acheieving part that is the problem. even when i was doing speed with some regularity all i ever did was read for hours watch movies and play video games. all the things i don't have the attention span to do while sober. i went out with daniel alot. but that was only because he took me with him. actualy thats not true. i wanted to do things with him. i wanted to do things with matt to but matt never wanted to do anything with me. and speaking of matt. i think that while i was with him he was in the state i am in now. but he seams to have gotten out. he has friends. lots of friends from what i can tell. how'd he change? maybe it was me the whole time. i wish i had some kind of real desire to change. as is i'm comfortable just exsisting. its quite the conundrum. i haven't the motivation to get motivated. maybe when the call center closes it'll jar me out of this. moving was supposed to do that but it hasn't. *later* 8:56 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 05, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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